“Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.” — Brendan Francis
Accepting multiple sclerosis began when I understood that I would have to meet life differently and find new, creative ways to manage each day. A slower pace had to become part of me because, in some physical ways, the life I knew was gone. Yet a new life had begun, and I had to make the best of it—with creativity, courage, and a little sparkle. I had always been good at using what I had and making the best of a situation. Now I stand in a demanding new landscape, one being shaped by multiple sclerosis. Still, I became ready, motivated, and willing to meet the challenge—to step into this heart-pounding challenge with determination.
“Hayes (1994) has defined psychological acceptance as one of the most crucial contextual change strategies. Wong (1998) concurs with his implicit theory of the good life. The concept of meaning in life has been positively associated with hope, faith, love, health, happiness, resilience, coping skills, and empowerment, and inversely related to depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, drugs and alcohol use, materialism, and experiential avoidance” (Wiley Blackwell, The Psychology of Positivity and Strengths-Based Approaches at Work, 2017).
My journey of acceptance began with learning to love myself. Yes, I had to study self-love. In quiet moments of grief, I realized that in my previous life I had spent little time caring for myself. Instead, I had spent much of it trying to prove something—to myself and, sadly, to others. The art of loving oneself is a practice that pauses and begins again, because life does not move in a straight line. I found Jay Shetty’s book, “8 Rules of Love”, which thoughtfully explores the art of self-love, and it transformed the way I approached my life with multiple sclerosis.
The novel begins by explaining the difference between “like” and “love,” using a flower as an example. When you like a flower, you place it in a vase for display. When you love a flower, you water it, nourish it, and give it the care it needs to blossom and remain beautiful.
The hardcover unfolds through four ashrams of self-love: Brahmacharya (preparing for love), Grihastha (practicing love), Vanaprastha (protecting love), and Sannyasa (perfecting love).
We prepare for love in solitude, learning to understand ourselves and recognize the past mistakes that kept us from treating ourselves with care. As we walk the avenue of self-love and discover our purpose, we begin to heal emotionally and physically. Solitude can give way to loneliness, but to understand our changing bodies, we must learn to love ourselves and move toward lasting healing. Sadness can make the difficult parts of illness feel heavier, while positivity can nurture the tender places where inadequacy takes root.
“Self-acceptance is a main criterion of mental health as well as self-actualization (Abraham Maslow, 1968), the fully functioning person (Carl Rogers, 1961), and maturity (Gordon Allport, 1961). Holding positive attitudes toward oneself and one’s past life, and accepting both one’s good and bad characteristics, are central characteristics of positive psychological functioning” (Wiley Blackwell, The Psychology of Positivity and Strengths-Based Approaches at Work, 2017).
Practicing love means loving ourselves while extending that love to others. We share this earth with other people, and it matters that we practice love rather than move through life moody, hurried, or uncaring. These days, it can seem as though everyone is rushing, carrying a half-hearted attitude just to get where they need to go. I choose this practice of self-love so I can truly love my neighbors and appreciate life’s small wonders—a radiant sunset, a bead of rain resting on a leaf. Every part of life can be beautiful when we take the time to notice it.
When I slowed down, I discovered that my chronic illness upset me most when I rushed to appointments in a bad mood. So, I changed the story I was telling myself. I began treating medical appointments as a chance to make a day of it—something that made me want to dress up and enjoy the visit.
Protecting love often involves healing when our attention shifts from caring for a loved one through illness to grieving after their death. In this stage, we learn that we can love others while preserving our ability to love ourselves. We reflect on how to support others in their grief and how to recognize love in every season of life.
The meaning of protecting love became deeply personal when my dog, Bennie, passed away. Looking back on the final year of his life, I was able to recognize that he had dementia. His loss was devastating, even though he was fourteen years old. He had always been by my side, through everything, and he was fiercely protective of me.
Bennie taught me something through his funny response to my tears. Whenever I cried, he would bark as if he were scolding my grief. It made us laugh, but it also taught me that, in those moments of tears, I could borrow a little of Bennie’s spirit and refuse to let grief have the final word. I could hate the pain with all the fierce determination he seemed to summon, while remembering that this, too, would pass. In that moment, my self-love was enough.
“Compassion is rooted in our ancient caring motivations and is enabled by a range of competencies, abilities, skills, and strengths, including empathy, sympathy, generosity, openness, distress tolerance, commitment, and courage (Gilbert, 1989, 2005, 2009). Compassion is not just one thing; for example, it is not just an emotion. It is related to, but not the same as, sympathy, empathy, and empathetic concern. Kindness, caring, and altruism can also be considered motivations involving feeling, thinking, behavioral readiness, physiological preparedness, and action components” (Wiley Blackwell, The Psychology of Positivity and Strengths-Based Approaches at Work, 2017).
Perfecting love is the fourth stage: learning that we can offer love repeatedly to anyone, whenever and however we choose. Love is boundless; it has no limits on whom we can love or when we can show it. Love does not have to be romantic. It can show up in small acts, like choosing kindness over irritation. Going the extra mile to brighten someone’s day—opening a door or letting another driver go ahead of me—felt good and left me calm. I was glad to help others move through their day a little more easily.
Acceptance does not mean ignoring what is happening in my body. It means adapting, day by day, so I can move forward and enjoy the life I have, even when it differs from the life I once imagined. As my plans changed, I realized that much of my grief came from feeling ashamed that I could no longer walk with the confidence I once had. I learned to express confidence in new ways: through creative hairstyles, distinctive jewelry, and other choices that celebrate what makes me unique.
Acceptance is not easy, especially when life changes suddenly and profoundly. But it is necessary as I face the challenges involved in getting better and learning to feel confident in new ways that feel true to me. I was deeply ashamed of my inability to walk normally into places. Over time, I had to accept my new gait and find the confidence to move through the world as best I could.
Acceptance is, in part, letting go and realizing that clinging to my former life keeps me from seeing the bright, different journey ahead. Holding on can prolong resentment, hostility, and anger toward myself. Acceptance, by contrast, can open the door to peace and optimism.
I cannot control the future, but I can guide my thoughts, my attitude, and my openness to good things. I know disappointments will come, but I also believe that hardship can deepen compassion. I embrace my diagnosis with optimism and humility.
Expression Number One: Clarity
“Imagine how easy your life will be when you can make all decisions with clarity and freedom from fear.”
—Lulu Mares
In 2016, I moved back to Oxford, Mississippi, to pursue a post-baccalaureate degree at The University of Mississippi, where I had earned my undergraduate degree. Returning a second time felt very different: my former friends and college peers were gone, and I was there alone, starting over.
Now I am in Oxford with progressive multiple sclerosis, living alone and without friends. In time, though, I found my footing. I enrolled in classes and found a job that gave my days structure. I had to come to terms with being alone when I came home. Eventually, I began to enjoy the quiet. I set challenges for myself, like keeping a workout routine and a biblical routine. Little by little, through work, school, exercise, and life with multiple sclerosis, I came to know myself in new ways. The illness made things more challenging, but I learned to manage on my own in some respects. As I met people, I also found support in those who later became new classmates, neighbors, and co-workers.
My values changed and blossomed through my work at Chick-fil-A. I began studying Truett Cathy, Chick-fil-A’s founder, and the principles he stood for. I brought his teachings into my daily life by reading his book and taking my work seriously, focusing on serving others. When we serve others, we recognize our connection to them; when we serve others, we also serve ourselves (Jay Shetty, 8 Rules of Love, p. 248).
Here are some takeaways from Chick-fil-A that transformed my life:
“Customer First” is one of the franchise’s most important principles because customers are why we work in hospitality. Approach service as though every guest was dining in a fine restaurant. Each time a customer enters, we can do our best to ensure they are happy with the service they receive.
“Alone, we learn to understand ourselves, heal our pain, and care for others. We acquire skills like compassion, empathy, and patience; in this process, we prepare to share and extend love to others (Brahmacharya)” (Jay Shetty, 8 Rules of Love).
“Personal excellence” begins within. When we strive to improve each day, we can transform our work. In my different roles at Chick-fil-A, I focused on completing every task faster and more accurately. The effort was challenging, but the pursuit was rewarding.
“I define the deepest love as when you like someone’s personality, respect their values, and help them toward their goals (Grihastha)” (Jay Shetty, 8 Rules of Love). Personal excellence means paying close attention to how we treat customers, respecting them, and making their day special through kindness and attentive, efficient service. I build my own excellence by choosing to love beyond myself.
“Continuous improvement” is simple in principle but challenging in practice: repetition builds skill. Chick-fil-A’s consistent routines taught me to value accuracy and seek growth in every part of my work. This focus also helped me use my time more wisely and complete tasks more efficiently. With practice, each task became more natural.
“The fourth ashram, Sannyasa, is the epitome of love; we are extending our love to every person and every moment of our life.” Repeating my work with care, while setting aside my own aims at times to help others, strengthened my acceptance of multiple sclerosis. I came to understand that life holds so much more than the challenges of chronic illness.
“Working Together” is part of hospitality, but it is also part of everyday life. Working with others is what helps the world evolve. Many systems support and depend on one another, creating a world in which different parts can work together effectively. Chick-fil-A is one system within the hospitality world. When it runs smoothly, its workers can help make the broader world a little better.
“Learning to give love to others in Grihastha, and giving so much, this is an interlude where we reflect on the experiences of loving others, discover what might block our ability to love, and work on forgiveness and healing chronically (Vanaprastha)” (Jay Shetty, 8 Rules of Love).
“Stewardship” means being approachable and setting aside arrogance so we can help and support others for their greater good. Whether in operations, management, or as a team member, the person offering help can see the work for what it is: service. Stewardship keeps service at the forefront of the mind, because service is the foundation of professionalism—and, for me, a path toward acceptance.
“We come to appreciate love in different forms. We no longer serve out of moral duty but from an understanding of our oneness with all that is. We are connected, and when we serve others, we are serving ourselves” (Jay Shetty, 8 Rules of Love). Stewardship became a habit. Kindness and going beyond what was expected became second nature. Kindness helped me heal, grow, accept change, and see my diagnosis in a more hopeful light rather than as something dreary and dull.
In 2018, I had to return home because my MS was progressing, and I realized that living alone might not be the best choice for me. Still, when I returned, I found that I was more confident and secure in who I was as someone living with MS. Those years alone had given me room to adapt to change and accept it in my own way.
Expression Number Two: Compassion
“A stranger’s compassion can make a world of difference.”
—Oprah Winfrey
Showing genuine care and concern for others is another essential layer of compassion. Compassion isn’t always about being kind; it is also about understanding and accepting a situation so we can find focus and clarity about our purpose in life. That clarity can elevate our values and strengthen our pursuit of what matters.
To bring more positive experiences into our lives, we can create positive karma. Karma isn’t only about doing wrong; it also describes the good we do. Choosing good can help us make better decisions and move forward in our journey toward acceptance.
We create a meaningful effect when we show ourselves compassion on this journey. Seeking compassion from others can sometimes lead to disappointment. As Jay Shetty writes, “We first seek validation from those closest to us; then, unsatisfied, we look for it from everyone. Moreover, finally, we find it ourselves” (Jay Shetty, 8 Rules of Love).
Expression Number Three: Character
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through trials and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
—Helen Keller
Character develops through acceptance, moral reasoning, sound judgment, and personal values. It helps us trust our health decisions while maintaining the integrity to face present and future challenges honestly.
Moral reasoning asks us to distinguish right from wrong and apply ethical principles as we move toward acceptance. As we form a new identity, we must navigate illness, personal biases, social perceptions, and moral uncertainty. Doing so can strengthen our values and build self-trust. Jay Shetty writes, “Trust begins with us. We need to be trustworthy. This means aligning what we think, say, and do. We believe in something, express it, and then follow through. This means we can trust ourselves. So, if I feel like I need a night to myself, I feel the benefit of the gift I gave myself and trust myself to take good care of myself.”
Expression Number Four: Competence
“Competence means keeping your head in a crisis, sticking with a task even when it seems hopeless, and improvising reasonable solutions to challenging problems when every second counts. It encompasses ingenuity, determination, and being prepared for anything.”
—Chris Hadfield
Competence is the ability to do something well and effectively. It can be essential to personal growth on the journey toward acceptance, which may involve developing our sense of identity, skills, and attributes. During this stage, many of us form a negative self-image and assume that others see us as less capable. Yet we can meet that adversity by practicing service. Serving others can help us recognize our skills, strengthen our abilities, set goals, seek community, pursue training opportunities, use our time wisely, practice regularly, and gently guide others.
Expression Number Five: Navigate
“Human rights, race relations, gender politics, health care, and foreign policy—it is a lot to track, yet all these things affect us daily. Making sense of everything requires meticulously unpacking feelings, delicately navigating social norms, and a community of love to help along the way.”
—Tracee Ellis Ross
The four pursuits are central to a meaningful life and are emphasized in many spiritual and philosophical traditions. Here is a brief overview of each:
Dharma (Righteousness/Duty): Dharma refers to living by moral values, duties, and ethical principles. It involves fulfilling responsibilities to oneself, family, society, and the world while acting justly and fairly.
Artha (Wealth/Prosperity): Artha concerns material well-being and security. It emphasizes building a stable, prosperous life to meet basic needs while using resources responsibly and ethically.
Kama (Pleasure/Desire): Kama focuses on physical and emotional pleasures, including love, beauty, and sensory experiences, pursued in balance and without harming oneself or others.
Moksha (Liberation): Moksha represents the spiritual goal of freedom from the cycle of attaining inner peace and enlightenment. It is the pursuit of self-realization and release from worldly attachments.
Expression Number Six: Evolve
“Your greatest competition isn’t other people, but the time you waste, the resentment you carry, the knowledge and relationships you neglect, the health you sacrifice, the ideas you abandon, the support you lack, and the God you blame for your misfortune.”
—James Altucher
Building trust with yourself means using time wisely, learning new things, and forming connections that stretch your empathy. As we hear other people’s stories, our empathy grows, and our sense of community deepens. By sharing stories within our community, we build trust and keep evolving on our journey of acceptance.
Expression Number Seven: Service
“I do not know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.”
—Albert Schweitzer
The community we build through trust grows stronger when people see us making a difference. They see us using our time and resources wisely to help strengthen the community. We live truthfully through service, pursue our goals, embrace our growth, and contribute to others’ well-being. By serving our community, we deepen our acceptance, because one of life’s greatest gifts is the chance to give.
Expression Number Eight: Consistency
“Generally, self-acceptance is conceptualized as affirming or accepting oneself despite weaknesses or deficiencies.”
—Michael Bernard
Consistency ties all the expressions together. It means showing up through every phase, in difficult times and joyful ones alike. When consistency takes root, it quiets unpredictability and allows the more polished version of ourselves to shine through the qualities we have nurtured. We learn that we can depend on ourselves, and as self-trust deepens, acceptance grows.
Citation:
Odes, L.G., Steger, M.F., Delle Fave, Fave, A., & Passmore, J. (Eds.). (2017). The Wiley Blackwell handbook of the psychology of positivity and strength-based approaches at work. Wiley Blackwell.
Hollinger, D.P. (2020). The Anatomy of Grief: How the Brain, Heart, and Body Can Heal After Loss. Yale University Press.HTTPs://dpi.org/10.12987/9780300256086
